What better day to start a blog then New Years Eve. At least I think it seems pretty perfect. Its a new year and a completely new life for me. First let me sum up the last few months. I completely had the rug pulled out from under me an that is not an exaggeration at all! Infidelity, lies, and Divorce. Those are such ugly words and I can't believe that they are a part of my story now. For those who don't know nothing that happened was my fault or my doing. There are days where I just want things to go back to the way they were when things were good. Sometimes I imagine myself as a little kid throwing a temper tantrum to get what they want. screaming, stamping my feet, throwing things- the whole deal. I don't really throw a temper tantrum because what good would it really do. Probably wouldn't make me feel better...and definitely wouldn't solve anything.
I just want to make the best of things and make the best of my fresh start. I want to be able to look back 5 years from now and not regret my choices and actions. I want to be able to say that I handled myself well. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't have Jake. Then it would just be me. I could make any decisions I wanted without thinking of anyone but myself. Selfish I know...Then I really think about what I would do without him...Sometimes I have days where I want to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and cry but I can't. I have to get up everyday and put a smile on my face because that's what my little boy deserves. I am thankful that I have my son. He is the reason I get up in the morning. Still it's hard not to wonder...
So for the new year my biggest goal, wish, hope and dream is that everyday the smile that I put on gets a little more real and a little less forced. I want to be happy again...I deserve to be happy again.
"...What I need is a dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses.That it can be good again.." Mockingjay from The Hunger Games Trilogy
Acceptance. There is nothing about this situation that I can change. I have no control over what has happened. I just have to accept that it has happened. None of it was my fault and nothing I could have done or not done would have change the outcome. I try not to be angry because it takes way to much energy and time. There are days I am completely fine. Then there are days that all the pain and angry creep up one me. I know I have a long road of healing to go through. I wish I could just wake up and be...better.
I am learning how to just be me. When you've been a part of a pair for so long it's hard to be alone. I really do need a dandelion. Something to give me hope that the winter will come to an end, things will thaw and Spring WILL come again.
I just want to make the best of things and make the best of my fresh start. I want to be able to look back 5 years from now and not regret my choices and actions. I want to be able to say that I handled myself well. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't have Jake. Then it would just be me. I could make any decisions I wanted without thinking of anyone but myself. Selfish I know...Then I really think about what I would do without him...Sometimes I have days where I want to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and cry but I can't. I have to get up everyday and put a smile on my face because that's what my little boy deserves. I am thankful that I have my son. He is the reason I get up in the morning. Still it's hard not to wonder...
So for the new year my biggest goal, wish, hope and dream is that everyday the smile that I put on gets a little more real and a little less forced. I want to be happy again...I deserve to be happy again.
"...What I need is a dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses.That it can be good again.." Mockingjay from The Hunger Games Trilogy
Acceptance. There is nothing about this situation that I can change. I have no control over what has happened. I just have to accept that it has happened. None of it was my fault and nothing I could have done or not done would have change the outcome. I try not to be angry because it takes way to much energy and time. There are days I am completely fine. Then there are days that all the pain and angry creep up one me. I know I have a long road of healing to go through. I wish I could just wake up and be...better.
I am learning how to just be me. When you've been a part of a pair for so long it's hard to be alone. I really do need a dandelion. Something to give me hope that the winter will come to an end, things will thaw and Spring WILL come again.
